What is Self Harming

Self harming is an emotional and physical coping mechanism to relieve intense emotional pain and psychological distress, a way to gain control over one’s body, a form of self-punishment or a means to release tension. According to the Webster Dictionary, self harm is defined as the act of purposely hurting oneself as an emotional coping mechanism.

It can also be referred to as: 

• Self-injury
• Self-violence
• Non-suicidal self-injury
• Self-injurious behavior

I resonate with the latter two in this list, non-suicidal & self-injurious behavior. In my personal experience I discovered that I consciously and unconsciously used a variety of behaviors that were causing harm.

I consider a habit or action that  puts one’s mind, body, and soul in a harmful state of being as self-harm or self-harming behaviors. This can be emotional or physical.

Myths and Stereotypes:

• Self harm in only when you cut yourself – false
• Only girls self-harm – false
• Younger children don’t self harm – false
• Adults don’t self harm – false
• Self-harm is a phase or ‘emo’ – false
• If you self-harm then you are suicidal – false
• It is obvious when one is self-harming – false
• Self-harm is a mental problem – false
• Self-harm can be emotional violence – true
• Self-harm is a coping strategy- true
• Self- harm can be stopped – true
• Self- harm can be stopped immediately without relapse – false
• Self-harm can feel like an addiction – true

How I See and Experienced Self Harming

You don’t need to physically hit or cut yourself to be harming yourself. There are a variety of ways to harm your mind, body and soul and sabotage the joy and happiness that you want to feel. There is physical harm and then there is emotional and psychological harm that can be running our emotions, our reactions, our minds with us completely unaware. 

I love to use nature as a way to connect with my body and especially flowers as metaphors for transformation. In this case I am the artichoke. The thick petals are tipped with a sharp unyielding thorn, they are the behaviors that protect my inner heart. The more intense the self-harming habit and shame around it, the thicker petal and thorn.

And as I peel back each petal, the petals become thinner and the thorn less harmful. The self-harming too becomes less brutal and more socially acceptable and not seen as a threat from the outside, considered “safe in moderation”. When all of the petals, the habits, are removed I was left  with the heart of the origin story, the truth to the pain I was protecting. I saw me without any misconceptions of who I thought I was. This is how I experienced my healing. 

Below is a list of those “thinner petals” I described. The non-physical self-harming habits and behaviors that are more socially acceptable. I have used all of these to either cope with triggers, to withdraw and become numb from the world, to avoid pain, avoid arguments, avoid challenges, avoid hard conversations, or anything that caused me to feel shameful about myself or that may end up with me being “wrong, bad, not enough, and a disappointment.” 

Examples of Self Harm I Engaged With Over the Years:

I consider all of these below self-harming because they do not support the body, soul or mind in healing, feeling good or shifting. They all cause more stress, depression, fatigue, dissociation from self and disconnection from life and others.They do not help one become emotionally or spiritually mature, they keep us stuck in a victim state of mind. 

• Surrounding yourself with friends and family members, who don’t support you in growing, changing, becoming the best version of yourself
• Alcohol- needing it to cope, feel better, connect, sleep, relax, to feel joy if any for a moment
• Under eating/ overeating/ emotional eating
• Eating foods that physically  make you sick but you eat them anyways 
• Binge watching TV shows or movies to withdraw and check out frequently 
• Endlessly scrolling or constantly on social media – use social media to withdraw
• Meditating to check out from the world
• Negative self talk
• Self criticism and self shaming

• Over exercising – must have a tough workout and full sweat every single time
• Not exercising and then shaming oneself for not exercising
• Sex – using sex to withdraw, check out, to feel anything except the way you are feeling
• Drugs – to check out and withdraw
• Constantly take care of others and care about how they feel, rather than taking care of you and or connecting to how you really feel

I am making a bold statement here connecting all of these habits above to self-harming without scientific proof or waiting for university study to confirm them as ‘self-injurious behaviors’ or ‘non-suicidal self-injury’, but this is my experience.

No one else outside of ourselves can experience the same experience or have the same exact memory or same way of seeing. We all have different filters in how we interact with the world around us and this is also true with how we heal.

How To Move Forward – The Truth Sets You Free

First Step – Acknowledging our habits and actions is the first step. Having the difficult and painful conversation with ourselves is the first breakthrough.

It is difficult for most women or men to even state or share that they are suffering depression.  I remember worrying about what others would think about me. “Will I always be labeled as crazy, unreliable,  unsteady, manic, too emotional, sad?” I had a lot of fear around sharing my true feelings of self disgust, self hate, shame, depression and anxiety. I also had a lot of misguided beliefs about what self-harm is and what it is not. I was terrified of the stigma of being labeled broken, manic, or even the word dirty came to mind. As if I was less than…filth. 

Second Step – Get support. Remember, you are not alone. You are a human being having a human moment and nothing is wrong with you. Your body is wanting to heal a pain your mind is scared of and that is okay. You mind is doing its job, keeping you safe.

Now is time to empower yourself and get support that fits you.

Third Step – Do something that brings you joy everyday. Anything that focuses your mind on Joy.

Always Here Holding Space For You,

– Brittany Fentress,